I’d
say I was a pretty good blogger when I was in Chile for 5 months, and at first
I really tried to be one in Uganda too. I lasted a couple months, with each
post becoming farther and farther apart until I just became frustrated and gave
up. But…here I go again! I forgot my blog name and my password but after a
little bit of research I’m back in action.
I
stopped writing because so much happens in a day, and not only that, so much
happens that you can’t really put into words. The range of emotions and feelings
that you have are completely unlike anything that I have ever experienced while
living in the United States. I gave up trying to really share with people back
home, besides my family. I almost dreaded Skype calls where I would have to
answer questions like “so how is Uganda?” and have to sum up over a month of
such intense life into a conversation of less than an hour. I missed people a
lot and I loved hearing what was going on in their lives, but I did not want to
talk about Uganda. I did not want to blog anymore, and when I came back to
Indiana, I just wanted to be at home or out in the middle of the woods running
(in shorts finally!!!!) where I didn’t have to share anything yet.
But,
that feeling did not last long. Two weeks later, I was back at Indiana
University for RA training…and I was very lonely. Almost all of the people I
spent time with were now gone, and I felt so out of place. A lot changes when
you are gone for a year! I was a senior having to start all over and make new
friends just like a freshman again. I love and thrive in change and new
situations, but this time I just really wanted to have my close friends back.
When I was finally ready to share about Uganda, there was no one to listen! I
wanted to be able to just walk into someone’s room, sit down, and just unload
all of the things I was just starting to process. I am a huge verbal processer
and I just felt memories and feelings bubbling up inside of me like I was going
to explode. And there was almost no one on campus that had had a similar
experience and I CRAVED having someone who I could relate to or share that part
of my life with. In Uganda I purposely set myself at a distance, and now I just
wanted to be close to people.
But
if there’s one thing I have learned, it’s that God is so, so kind to us. He is
the best listener we could have and times when I felt the loneliest, and when I
missed Uganda the most, He completely overwhelmed me with his love. Over and
over again in Uganda, He surprised me with things that I couldn’t have even
thought to ask for myself. There were big things like my brother coming to
visit, or just little things like a care package from my mom on a particularly
rough week. He doesn’t miss a thing, and His love is fierce. And He has
continued to surprise me here in America…I am so thankful for great coworkers,
and for finally finding a Bible study with girls that draw me closer to God by
showing their own passion and experiences with Him. This year has been so much
better than I expected at the beginning.
Ahh,
but I miss Uganda. This semester I have been working on my undergraduate
thesis, which is connected to the lack of policy for assisting long-term
refugees, like the women in Zion Project. I go over my old notes and I remember
the things I saw and I did in Uganda. I miss it so badly it hurts. I miss
Sarah’s dry, sarcastic comments that are just so hilarious even when she isn’t
trying to be funny. I miss Justina blowing my mind with her creativity and
expertise, I miss Valerie saying “Laura where is your problem??” and laughing
at herself. I miss Christine just being SO loud all the time and doing
everything with so much passion. I didn’t get to spend as much time at the
Rescue Home, but I miss all of that energy and all of those laughs… I miss
Jackie’s feistiness and Afosina’s sweetness, and just all of their joy! I miss
the friends I worked with at Zion Project and all of our other great friends,
and the adventures we had and ALL of the food we ate every week at “family
dinners!”
After
writing my thesis, and just thinking a lot, I finally feel like I have been
able to really process my time in Uganda and I finally recognize how it has
shaped me. I think it’s easy to talk about and to point out what I did well,
and all of the good things that happened during those six months, and actually
the entire year if I count Chile too. I really learned the value of hard work.
I can put 110% into something that I am not even sure I am good at, and I can
be productive with very little resources. I can love and appreciate the people
that are directly around me, and see them as individuals and love them for who
they authentically are. I have always been able to live without many
limitations and jump into things without fear, and spending a year overseas
really highlights that.
However,
it’s not as easy to talk about your flaws, and today I have been filled with
the deepest regret for things that I did and did not do, and honestly, this is
why I wanted to write this blog 9 months later. God has just been slowly
pointing out things in my heart that he wants to refine, and they are things
that are so vitally important that I am compelled to share. I am forgiving
myself, forgiving other people, and just staying in a place of lowness and
vulnerability because I want to be more and more like Him…whether I am in
Uganda or here at Indiana University for 4 more weeks.
First
of all, I realized I developed a need to be validated by other people. I got a
lot of attention just for going to Chile and Uganda in the first place. It was
exciting, it was unusual, and let’s be honest…pictures of adorable African
babies are eye-catching. When I was in Uganda, it actually kind of annoyed me.
I thought to myself, “hey, these people don’t know what life is really like
here. They think we just hold babies and have adventures and they don’t see the
times I feel so overwhelmed, so exhausted, and when I am so sick of always
being the one who is gone.” But I was thriving on that attention without even
realizing it. It made me feel unique and important, and when I came back to
school and I was just a normal college student again, it was frustrating to not
be recognized for what I had just done. There have been so many times in class
and just in life that someone else will be pointed out for their month-long
study abroad trip, or a short-term mission trip with a huge organization, and
everything inside me wanted to shout “Hey! I went to Africa by myself for 6
months and that was a way bigger deal!” But I have learned that the only
attention that I need is from God…HE sees me, He knows me inside and out, and
He is completely captivated by me, and that is all that I need. It’s not wrong
to want to have deep friendships where people know you and they know what you
have been through, so part of it is just missing and wanting that. But not all
of it, and I don’t want to be the person who needs recognition to feel
validated.
But
most importantly, I have been completely wrecked and broken apart over all of
the many, many, many times that I withheld showing love to people in Uganda
because I was guarding my heart and protecting myself. As aid workers, we are
told that you cannot help everyone. We are so overwhelmed with the deep needs
around us that we are instructed just to ignore them. Help the people that you
are there to help. Shower love on those that your organization focuses on, but
you better turn that off when you are walking down the street or heading home
from work, because how can you love everyone? If we really stopped and cared
about everyone’s needs that were in front of us, we would be so overcome we
would just sob nonstop and we would never make it more than a block. And
honestly, it is impossible.
…Only
without God. I was home this weekend and we had church in our basement where we
watched the movie made about Heidi Baker, Compelled by Love. As a woman who
lives in one of most desperate places, Mozambique, she sees more needs every
day than most people do in a lifetime. Nothing I say will do the movie justice,
but I just could not stop crying. I cried all of the way back to Bloomington
and it was like the sheet of numbness that I developed in Uganda was being
ripped off of me, I had not cried in over a year! The depth of the love that
she has for people is unbelievable, and the woman does not say no. She is
consistently pouring herself out for others and stopping for the one in front
of her. I have heard Heidi speak many times, met her in person, so this message
was not new to me. But for some reason, today it all made sense. Obviously, as
human beings we do have limits. We have limited resources and limited time, and
honestly…we have limited energy. But the thing about Heidi…is she is able to
continually love so many people, everyone around her, because she is constantly
being filled with God’s love for her and she is sold out to him. It’s like she
is an open faucet for him to just flow through, just spilling the love that she
experiences with Him out onto everyone around her. And when she’s overwhelmed
or exhausted, he speaks to her saying “I am always enough.” God has an entire
kingdom with unlimited resources, and He is such a good Father, that we as His
children have free access to his resources. All we have to do is say yes…and
saying yes means giving up a LOT. It looks different for everyone, but it
always hurts. Compassion that moves you to action can break your heart, but it
also causes such tremendous joy.
I
had been used to going on short-term mission trips where you are able to just
pour yourself out all day long. You can love without reserve much more easily
than you can when you live somewhere. I walked past so many people, and either
didn’t notice or didn’t stop for them. Not all of the time, but far too often,
especially after the first couple months. It was crippling to see everyone’s
needs and their desperation. I did it all in the name of rest—I needed to say
no so I could say yes to the women who I actually worked with. I needed to say
no so I could have my own times with God and be able to think clearly and grow
and be inspired by Him without being weighed down by everything else. But with
God, we actually don’t need to operate like that. We can be filled with rest
and peace in the midst of chaos and that’s what’s so amazing about a
relationship with Him. We can spill out joy into the darkest places, and he’ll
take what we can give and increase it exponentially. As long as we make Him a
priority, and just totally sell out to living for Him, we will be given all of
the energy, all of the joy, all of the resources, and all of the time we need.
His love is that strong.
One
day, I will be back in sub-Saharan Africa. I don’t know if I will live
long-term in Uganda again, but I have a feeling I will be somewhere similar and
somewhere close. And next time, I am letting God break my heart for that place.
I don’t know if I’ll design jewelry again, but whether I’m creating policy,
doing relief work, or whatever, I don’t wanna turn my heart off to anything, I
don’t wanna close my eyes to anything. He is just so worthy. It is worth it to
give everything so others can experience His love too. I’m going to lay it all
down and just watch Him crash in. And honestly, I don’t even need to go to back
to Africa to do that. I want to learn what it looks like to just totally sell
out, give it all up, and radically love the people around me wherever I am. I
think if we could see everyone how God sees them, we wouldn’t be able to say
no. I think if we could really see God for who He is, we wouldn’t be able to
say no. I just ache to know Him more and to love how He does.
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